Add to the myriad things that are totally-freaking-predictable about flying (the delays, lost luggage, and hitting turbulence the moment you start to piss) this list of unavoidable people. You have encountered them on absolutely every flight. Consider them your collective travel foil, and endeavor to never count yourself among them.
20. Terrible BO Guy
That almost-visible pungent musk is beginning to make people think the plane is having some serious mechanical issues. Even the sick dude 14 rows back is visibly distressed by the malodorous man-smell. Seriously, this guy could be an MIT valedictorian and he’d still be missing the one Degree he actually needs.
19. Halitosis Person
Want some gum? Here, take the whole pack.
18. Won’t Stop Talking to You Row-Mate
I naturally put my earbuds in and closed my eyes as an invitation for you to talk to me. Seriously, lets prattle on about that scarf you’re knitting.
17. Neck Pillow Guy
He walked onto the flight with that puffy fluff-necklace on, and he’ll be damned if he’s taking it off anytime short of the cab ride home.
16. Immediately Snoring Guy
The sound of the seatbelt clicking is still faintly echoing through the cabin as this guy saws his third log. Be careful if you’re next to this narcoleptic nuisance, as his heavy head might find your dainty shoulder to be a more than adequate pillow.
15. Probably Should’ve Been Required to Buy Two Tickets Guy
Yup, we’re talking about you, Louie Anderson.
14. The Nervous Flyer
Because somehow, clenching the armrest will help if something really does go wrong. And please don’t throw up at the first sign of turbulence; it’s completely normal… turbulence that is, not ralphing.
13. The Overhead Compartment Hog
They never should’ve been allowed to board with an expandable rolling suitcase, bulging laptop bag, gym duffel, wardrobe hanger, shopping bags, and fanny packs, but they did anyway. Then they promptly stowed all their earthly possessions in your overhead compartment, just before you made it to your row. Now they’ll proceed another twenty rows back to their seats, where the lockers are empty, but don’t worry — they’ll be back to visit multiple times, as they are also Constantly Accessing the Overhead Person.
12. Family with Young Kids
It’s not their fault. But really, yeah, it’s their fault. Hopefully kid-free sections are coming soon, but until that glorious day is bestowed upon us, do us all a solid and stop breastfeeding your three-year-old in the aisle.
11. Immune to the Rule About Turning Off Electronic Devices Guy
Congratulations, dude. You’ve managed to continue a phone call longer than any other flight attendant-fearing airline passenger in the history of air travel. Now if you could please turn that extreme sense of inadequacy off, that’d be wonderful.
10. Grunting and Sighing Person
It is impossible for this person to move without making some type of self-satisfied moan. Some people don’t need to go to gyms… this person does.
9. Spread Out All Over the Plane Family For whatever reason, this gaggle didn’t choose their seats when booking their flight. Now, with the help of one nice flight attendant, they’re on a mission to reunite; a mission which is finally accomplished roughly ten minutes prior to descent.
8. Stinky Food Bringer On-er
Good thing the person who managed to find the one Mediterranean stall in the entire food court is sitting right next to you. Why is that lettuce piping hot and covered in pungent liquids? Who are you?!
7. Window Seat Tiny Bladder Guy Yes, being 30,000ft up in the air traveling at insane speeds can be dehydrating, but you’ve relieved yourself four times in the past 30 minutes. Stop taking the free water. You’re fine.
6. Immediately Reclines the Seat All the Way Back Guy
This dude’s finger must’ve been hovering over that armrest button, because the moment the “cruising altitude” announcement was made he basically dove into your lap.
5. In-Flight Nail Clipper
This is not a condonable type of multitasking.
5. Get a Room Couple
Neither is this.
4. “I Normally Fly First Class” Back-Of-Planer
Yup. The flight attendant heard you the first six times, buddy; you’re still not getting that snack until the cart comes to you.
2. The Sockless
The only thing worse than the regular sockless? The tiny bladder sockless, who track lavatory ick around the plane with reckless abandon.
1. Pilot Comedian
Wait. Is he joking?? Is he serious?! Nothing puts a plane full of semi-nervous flyers at ease quite like a pilot joking about bone-shaking turbulence while the flight attendants smile uncomfortably at each failed one-liner.